Struggle

There's quite a few confusing ideas in eastern phylosophies and systems of belief, one of them is about renunciation. Not that I understand anything, of course. But I had the idea of the indian or buddhist ascetics leaving the material world and going to the forest to live in endurance as a path to somewhere superior. Somehow it is related to the karma as well, although these two are completely different concepts I believe.

Anyhow, maybe I was making a mistake here with the renunciation. In the yoga class I learnt that these guys are not really interested on the self torture, but rather on the struggle. It could be anything, it may be attempting a very simple yoga posture, (one of those that myself I can attempt and never make right), or, just to take a completely unrelated example, it may be confessing your mum that you are gay on your 40th birthday. When you have the impulse to go for it, the 1st internal reaction is fear, is "I cannot make it" or "I'm going to hurt myself or somebody else" or whatever. There is a conflict between the willingness for the action and the fear of it, and there is a counter-reaction which is the struggle when you are actually trying to do it.

That's the point they want to focus on. Since the struggle may become creative, since something new could come to your mind as a result.

If does not really matter if you make it or not, there's many other yoga positions to try; even if you've made it is not enough, since surely it was not perfect or you could not hold it long enough. And your mum probably knows at this stage you are gay, (even if she did as if she didnt), so the problem is really why you havent told her yet, and a new struggle will come when you are trying to figure out what to say next.


It is the struggle itself which is really the important moment; not what you make of it, nor the sense of achievement, nor what you rationalise afterwards. My guru-bitch tried to show me I should forget about any of the struggles as soon as they are finished, and not to make a fuss of it, of course not to write about it. So I leave it here.